|It is light, but it is there!|
This picture represents life for me.
In October 2011 my step-mom passed away. This was my first encounter with a grief stronger than I had ever known. My whole life changed that day in ways that I never thought were even possible.
I was very, very (I can’t stress enough) lucky to have the support of my team teacher, friends and boss and was allowed to have a week and a half off to deal with what I needed to do. Yet as we know, grief is not allotted to a week and a half time frame, and eventually I had to go back to work.
I know it would have been ok if I had had hard times at school, but how do you explain to twenty nine and ten year olds why you are crying in the middle of their math lesson on fractions? So I pushed aside a lot of my grief while at work. At home I was able to let the tears flow freely while I sat on the floor of my closet while trying to figure out what to wear that day, but not at school.
So when summer came and I no longer had to push anything aside, the grief over took me. I had a very hard summer. I rarely left my house and hardly communicated with anyone. I am trying to think of one thing I did last summer, and I can’t really. When I did leave the house, I suffered from severe social anxiety issues and questioned every interaction with friends. Sadly, I fear that some bridges may have been burned during this time.
It is hard to know if what I went through was a helpful way to deal with the gaping hole that was now in my heart and in my life, but it was what happened.
In May as the school year was coming to a rapid end I decided that this summer I was going to live and the bucket list was born. I wanted to make sure that I didn’t have a repeat of the summer before.
Back to my picture, in order to get a glorious Chaco tan, one has to be outside in the sun. In order to be out in the sun, one can’t sit at home on the couch. I got up and I got out there doing things that made my *heart flutter* and built memories. Thank you to all that helped me live this summer and also for your patience and understanding when I wasn't.
I lived this summer.
This is not to say that I forgot about my grief or that there is still a void in my life that I am not sure will ever be filled again, but it does say that Sandy would have been proud of me and wouldn’t have wanted me to spend another summer not living. She always lived her life even when she knew that the end was near and could have easily just given up.
Thank you, Sandy for once again being an inspiration and guide and still making an impact on my life. You were such a kindred spirit with *heart flutters* and truly understood that it is about the little things in life. I love you Blue Box Mama.